Sobre los escritores y la autoestima

Etiquetas: Escritura

Aún no he conocido a nadie que no tenga miedo, que no sienta inseguridad al abrir el word o la libreta para empezar de cero. Sentimos ese vértigo, ese temblor de piernas que nos dice que, quizás, lo que empecemos a escribir no será igual de bueno que lo anterior.

El trabajo del escritor es un poco desagradecido. O eso dicen. Siempre recibes una de cal y una de arena. Hay días en los que estás con el contador de palabras echando humo y otros en los que avanza a duras penas.

Debo admitirlo, últimamente no estoy en mi mejor racha escritoril. Eso es así, hay que aceptarlo, duela a quien le duela (a mí la primera, por supuesto). Supongo que lo primero que hay que hacer en estos casos es buscar la raíz del problema, buscar el por qué de las cosas. Después de mucho meditarlo, creo que he encontrado el motivo por el que no quiero ni acercarme a un proyecto.

«¿Para qué?»

Esa pregunta es la única que me retiene, que me quita las energías para continuar.

«¿Para qué si nunca voy a conseguir publicar? ¿Para qué si nunca va a gustar, si no es suficientemente bueno? ¿Para qué si nadie lo va a leer?»

Estoy bastante segura de que no soy la única persona en la faz de la Tierra que se ha hecho esas preguntas.

A veces nos olvidamos de que esto es un trabajo y que, como en todo los trabajos, lo importante es agradar al jefe, que vea que lo estamos haciendo bien. ¿Sabemos que el jefe de nuestro trabajo somos nosotros mismos? ¿Somos conscientes de que debemos ser las primeras personas en aceptar lo que hacemos?

Si escribo es, principalmente, porque me gusta, porque disfruto un montón creando historias. De pequeña adoraba jugar a las muñecas solo porque me montaba unos culebrones que ni la mejor de las telenovelas. Por eso me dedico a esto en mi tiempo libre, por eso es una gran parte de mis pensamientos. Por eso aspiro a dedicarme a esto en cuerpo y alma. Me encanta la escritura. Me encanta hablar con mis personajes, escucharlos, enfadarme con ellos por no seguir el camino que yo les he marcado. Me encanta todo lo que tenga que ver con el proceso creativo (venga, vale, a veces también disfruto de la corrección aunque sea un suplicio).

¿Por qué entonces esta no es mi prioridad? ¿Por qué he dejado de escribir para mí?

Algunas malas lenguas aseguran que si nunca has publicado significa que no eres escritora. Esa idea está tan metida en nuestro cerebro que es difícil desecharla. Siempre tenemos la presión de ser más, de destacar lo suficiente como para que nos elijan. Nos creemos que es una carrer a contrarreloj cuando debería tratarse de un simple paseo. Vemos a otros compañeros del sector que ya han publicado, que lo han conseguido y, en el fondo, nos da envidia que lo haya conseguido. «Normal, escribe mejor que yo». Es el primer pensamiento que se me pasa por la cabeza al preguntarme cómo lo ha logrado.

Y no hay que malinterpretarlo, estoy muy orgullosa de lo que otras personas consiguen. Porque es un mundo difícil. Al fin y al cabo, es un negocio y, por lo tanto, sale más rentable publicar a alguien que es famoso antes que a un nombre poco conocido. Porque, incluso publicado, siempre habrá dudas, inseguridades. O quizás éstas crezcan más porque nos ponemos más presión a nosotros mismos.

Estos pensamientos son las que me minan la autoestima. Hace tiempo que dejé de creer en mi trabajo. Empecé a creer que no soy buena, que no sirvo para este mundo. Hace tiempo que dejé de escribir para mí.

Quiero que eso acabe. Quiero volver a sentirme como en casa cuando abro el word o la libreta. No preocuparme de lo que vendrá y, simplemente, centrarme en la historia. Este hábito que he cogido de menospreciar lo que hago no se va a ir fácilmente, pero voy a intentarlo. Quiero ir paso a paso, día a día. Necesito recuperar el ritmo de escritura y mis ánimos e ilusión por lo que hago. Quiero enamorarme una y otra vez de las historias que me imagino y no dejarlas de un lado solo porque mi cabeza me repite sin descanso ese maldito «¿para qué?»

Escribo para mí. Escribo para entenderme mejor, para entender la imagen que tengo del mundo. Escribo porque me divierto, porque me lo paso bien, aunque a veces tenga algún que otro quebradero de cabeza. Escribo porque me gusta y me resulta tan necesario como respirar.

No puedo permitirme olvidarme de esto de nuevo.

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